I've found that the more sad or depressed I am, the more I can't sleep. How queer. Spent the night tossing and turning, and when I finally *did* sleep, I would wake up every 10-20 mins or so. I finally gave up around 4am and just got up. I rearragned my closet, cleaned the bathroom, rearranged my DVDs...anything and everything to avoid going back to bed. I really should have baked the bread I need to get done, but..I just didn't feel like it....that, and I didn't want to make up mom and greg. Lord forbid I wake up anyone other then Brutus.

I've been toying with a certain proposition. Angie has a spare room up in TN, and has been needling me to move up there. Maybe...maybe I should. What does Florida hold for me anymore? Good memories turned sour with death, undulating moods of happiness quickly to be turned bad by thinking of things. Maybe if I got a fresh start....perhaps that would be better. Why drag down people when I could let them live life to the fullest without me being a burden? Dunno. It's not like it would happen next week or something, but I've been tossing around the idea, and I like it alot so far, and it's really just a matter of deciding.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Lamb - Please

Sometimes, it just feels like...maybe I'm supposed to be alone. And most of the time, I'm ok with that. I'm ok with...just...doing my own thing. But there are times, when...I just wish I could find the person I'm supposed to be with. It seems like everyone has their someone, and...I'm the only one who doesn't. The feeling of loneliness especially creeps in this time of year. To make matters worse, it's only been a few months since Grandpa died. I dunno. I just...wish sometimes that I had done this all differently, that life had actually thrown me a bone or something.

Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: Twilight Soundtrack

So this morning I was woken up to doors slamming. I got up, went to the bathroom, then went out into the living room. I got 2 steps into said room when my mom starts yelling and screaming at me that it's MY fault that Greg is going to move to an apartment, MY fault that her engagement ring isn't going to be out of hock next week, MY fault that we have no money, and that *I* need to get ANOTHER job ontop of the one I work now, because she can't get off her lazy ass and get one. Yes folks, I was told I need to work 2 jobs to pick up HER slack! And people wonder why I loathe her. I give them my WHOLE paycheck. Is that good enough? Nope, because now I have to get another job to support them as well. How fucked up is that? Seriously, wtf?

Current Mood: irritated

The past 6 days have been busy. My birthday, then Grandpa's 88th yesterday...even though he's dead I still wished him a happy one. It was hard going through a birthday without him to remind me I was getting one more year older. I miss him a lot.

I decided to lose weight. I joined SparkPeople.com, and last night I walked for about 15 mins. No, it wasn't a long walk by any means, but I was really out of breath by the time I was home, and Brutus was panting like a mofo, so....it was a start. I want to lose the weight, and the only way I'm going to do as such is to focus on it, and take it one day at a time. I want to be down 50 pounds by Oct 1st next year. That gives me a little under a year. I think I can achieve it, and then when I lose that weight, I'm going to buy some new outfits for the Cruise (Nov 1st). If I can dream it, I can achieve it.

Current Mood: chipper

I'm not staying here any longer then I need to. This is fucking ridiculous. She gets pissed off about her sister, and then she takes it out on me? She has a fight with Greg and she takes it out on me? And when I dare slice myself a piece of cheese she jumps all over my case because I'm in the kitchen? WTF? I'm over it. So completely over it. I'm looking for a new job tomorrow, a part timer so I can afford to move the FUCK out of here. I'm over it. Siana ra, BITCH

Have been up since 7am or so. Didn't go to bed until about 1am, and even then I tossed and turned. Not looking forward to tonight. Don't want to go, but have to.

Sick of being the one to contact people first, and I refuse to do so. If you want to talk to me, you can contact me first. Gonna disappear for awhile. Will still update when I can, but just don't feel like I should be online as much as I have been lately.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Orestes by APC

Allison: I LOVED Dragon-Con
Ina: -.- I loathe you two
Jace: awwww don't be like that
Allison: And if you were with us it would have been better!
Jace: tons more! we promise!
Allison: Though admittedly, the Kilt Blowing was quite fun
Ina: -stare- You bastards!
Jace: well, we sorta saw it by ACCIDENT
Ina: DO NOT LIIIIIIIE!
Allison: Awwwwwwwwwww, sweetie, we took pics for you!
Ina: -perk!-
Jace: and for me!
Allison: ::eye roll:: what a fag
Ina: LMAO
Jace: yeah AND?!
Ina: Lemme SEEEEEEEEEEE
Allison: Already posted on my facebook
Ina: -prances off- brb must see the Hilarity
Jace: make sure you look for the guy with the leather kilt, mmmmm he was so nummy
Allison: He made me all tickley in my no no place
Ina: -DIES- you sick pervert
Ina: Oh....well....I can....see....that... -hard stare, cough-
Allison: Am I justified?
Jace: lol I don't think you're going to get an answer
Ina: Hush, I have some self control, UNLIKE YOU! -wipes drool-
Allison: ROFL

Current Mood: devious
Current Music: Blue by APC

Found a possible apartment, it's 499 a month, for a 1 bed 1 bath. Liked the looks of it. Still looking for a job closer to home - though I applied for Pinellas County 911 operator job - it starts out at 25,000 a year - more then what I'm making now.

Tomorrow is Grandpa's memorial service, and then on Thursday we do the funeral. I'm more at peace with his death then I was a few days ago, and while I know that it was the right thing to do by encouraging him and telling him it was his time to go, I still feel a twinge of guilt. Should I have told him to stay and fight? Would he have? Life is full of what-if's and what-could-have-been's. I said my peace with him weeks before, and knew on some level that it would be ending soon. I just wish it hadn't ended as soon.

While we're up at Bushnell, Amanda, Randy, Jacob and I are going to visit my dad's and grandma's graves. Haven't been ready to fully let grandma go, and though I still carry a lot of guilt about her, and what happened the last month or so of her life, I think it's time to let her go as well. Daddy's grave, well....I still cry for him once in awhile, though he's been dead for almost 20 years.

I guess that's all I have to say, just have had a lot on my mind, and I'm still adament about moving out. I just don't feel right here. Greg is a dick, and he's getting worse by the day. I always try to make sure I don't stop on his toes and I pay him as much as I possibly can every week, but I won't be subject to verbal and emotional abuse.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Loser by Static-X

I'm so sick of not being appreciated. I'm sick of not a single fucking "hey, thanks for sleeping on a god damn AIR FUCKING MATTRESS while I'm in town!" or "Thanks for watching my KID while I was in the shower!" no. Nothing like that. AT FUCKING ALL. I give my step-dad MY WHOLE FUCKING PAYCHECK in order to help out. Do I get a thank you? HELL NO. And when my sister says "I'm so sick of her" (meaning me) MY STEP-DAD AGREES! LIKE I DIDN'T HEAR IT. Yanno what? Fine, I'll give him 120 a week, that's it. And when I get a second fucking job, he's not getting shit. Infact, I'm going to fucking move. If I have to live in a fucking hotel for a few weeks, I will. But I REFUSE to put up with this shit any longer. I'm done. Fucking done.

Current Mood: pissed off

Grandpa died today. At 1:05pm, I held his hand, and whispered that we all loved him and that it was ok. It was ok to died, to let go. It looked as though he nodded, and slowly declined. He gave his last breath, and I was there, feeling as though I was ushering death in. Is that what I am? What the Goddess and God have made me into? An usher of death? Why is it that I'm stronger then most in my family when it comes to death? Because I've been here for it? Because even when I was a child, I was the strong one, when my father died, when grandma died, when aaron died, and now, when grandpa died. I feel empty. Like I should have told him to fight, to hang on. I just...wish....I did something different.

Current Mood: depressed

I really hate it when people try to take advantage of me. I really REALLY hate it. My car is broken down, and in the same week, my mother was in the hospital. The thing is, my mother is a drama queen and will go to any lengths not to work. So Greg is finally working, and I have a fulltime job. Do you know what my mother says to me? "You'll have to get a second job so you can pull in 250 a week" SAY WHAT?! This coming from a woman who doesn't even WORK?! So...I've decided, that once I get a new job, as well as start my second job, I'm moving the FUCK out. You not only just lost 250 a week, but you also just lost your daughter. I'm not going to do this again for another 4 months like last time. Once I get the money, I'm gone. I will make SURE I survive and God forbid should any person get in the way of my plan.

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: Tupac - Keep Your Head Up

Don't you hate it when you have a really good convo going on and then the person disappears? It's like I said something wrong or somethin..and I know I didn't, just..dunno.

Making bread in the morning. Going to work, and maybe have fun, depending on who's there.

Then going to go out tomorrow night! OH MY! Yes, I plan on making an apperence! Ina and her once in a lifetime outings. This shall be fun, folks lol. Going to hang out with Allison and the boys, see what trouble we can come up with, drink some whiskey and get wild :D Will probably end up on Allison's couch come 5am, playing GTA and snippering off hapless victims. WOO!

Current Mood: content
Current Music: Everlast - Black Jesus

I have to work today :( Not only today, but tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that....I work 6 days straight this week. I'm not happy =\ Though the paycheck should be nice, I just..don't...wanna work. For whatever reason I feel like shit. I need to make lots more then what I do, and no matter where I apply, I absolutely cannot seem to find a job that pays more then 7.75 an hour. And the jobs I do apply for (in which I'm qualified for, mind you), I get no call back, or any type of response. I mean, wtf? Seriously? I NEED MONEY! I need to get the hell out of my moms house, as well. I planned on being out by November, and it's already September. Not good at all :( Ontop of that, mom came back from the cruise, and she had an awesome time. I miss not going on a cruise every year, and it pisses me off that I wasn't able to go this year. Next year I'm most definately going, even if I have to kill someone to get the money to pay for everything. I neeeeeeed to go.

Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: Led Zeppelin - The Rain Song

Had made this journal thinking I would post to it every day, but just..never got around to it, I guess. The week went by fairly fast, mom and Greg were on a cruise, so I had the house to myself. Made me realize what it was like to have my own place, and I also realized that I miss it. They came home this morning and it's been noise ever since. From fighting to having music on, to slamming doors...my headache has tripled. Watching Across The Universe at the moment, love this movie :)

Current Mood: blank
Current Music: Across The Universe

Across The Universe The Beatles

Words are flowing out like
endless rain into a paper cup
They slither wildly
as they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting through my opened mind
Possessing and caressing me

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world

Images of broken light which
dance before me like a million eyes
They call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a
restless wind inside a letter box
they tumble blindly as
they make their way across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world

Sounds of laughter shades of life
are ringing through my opened ears
inciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
And calls me on and on across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world

Jai guru deva
Jai guru deva

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Across The Universe Movie on TV